HOW TO FIT IN AT THE GLOBAL WARMING SUMMIT IN COPENHAGEN

For a little while, at least, the air over Copenhagen, Denmark will be some of the filthiest in the world.  Not because, as you might suspect, there will be a lot of politicians talking in Copenhagen.  Rather, it will be the 140 private jets and over 1200 limousines set aside to transport the world’s most important people as they meet to discuss how we can get a grip on the global temperature.

So, I thought I’d write a tutorial about how to fit in at the Global Warming Summit in Copenhagen.  Here goes:

1.  Make reservations for your stay.  Remember to do it early, as most of the twenty-room hotel penthouses will be filled in record time.

2.  If you can’t get a top floor penthouse, have one of your people find a mansion to rent for the week.  At a minimum, this mansion should have ten bedrooms, an Olympic Sized swimming pool with the heat turned up, because your arthritis requires the water to be kept at a comfy eighty-two degrees, as well as vaulted ceilings and an open air real wood fireplace, which always creates such a nice ambiance for dinner guests.  The entire fifty acre yard should be well lit , so that your neighbors will know you are there.

3.  Pre-order your new private Gulf Stream Jet at least two years in advance.  I hear they are having trouble filling orders on time.

4.  On the morning of your departure, be sure to wave to the people waiting in line at the public airport, as they have their bags checked on their way to pauper-class seating.  Shake your head in amazement, as you wonder how anyone survives without their own private jet.  Be sure you have your jet warming up before you arrive; you don’t want to sit in a cold jet, it can be very uncomfy.  Have your limo driver take you right to the steps of your jet, as you cannot be exposed to the cold weather for more than a few moments.

5. As you exit your limo, be sure to tell your driver to have the limo idling prior to your return.  You wouldn’t want to get into a cold limo.

6.  As you are waiting to touch down in Copenhagen, dial up your temporary limo driver in Copenhagen, and tell them to make sure the limo is idling and warm for you.  Tell them you’d like to go for a ride around the countryside for about an hour or so, and see the sights in your limo.

7.  As you arrive at the hotel, you remember that you forgot to check if your suite has a private elevator.  If it doesn’t, make a scene until they find you one that does.

8.  As you are inspecting your living quarters, you will notice that the bellhop is holding out his hand for the tip.  Have your personal valet hand him a coupon for ten percent off of Prius accessories at his local Toyota dealership.

9.  It’s dinnertime!  Sure, you could go the vegetarian route, but I recommend the Prime Rib.  I hear they do it fantastically in Denmark.  As you are ordering, ask the waiter to have someone turn up the heat; there’s a chill in the air tonight.  Nod with enthusiastic approval as your dinner guest orders the flaming kabob.

10.  As you arrive back at the suite, strip down and step into the room-sized two-person jacuzzi, complete with Air Conditioning, because all that humid air gets hot after a while.  Turn on the twelve television sets and catch your favorite news and sports.  Afterwards, call your limo driver and tell him to warm up the car; you’ve decided to take a stroll, and want to be driven to that beautiful park you saw on your way back to the hotel.  Take the wool overcoat, it’s going to be chilly.  Tell your driver to keep the car running while you are gone.

11.  After getting back to the suite, have your valet stop at the front desk, and tell the help to have a warm glass of milk brought up to you.  As you are dismissing the bellhop, hand him a tract on the evils of the cattle industry.  Take a sip of your warm milk, and hand it back to him, saying, “It’ too warm.  Can you please put some ice in it?”

12.  Go to bed, being sure to have your valet turn the heat up, and dial the electric blanket  to “Very Snuggly”.

13.  Next day, wake up, and repeat.  During the Summit, be sure to commiserate with your fellow important peoples about the evils of carbon dioxide, and how the masses really do need to get a grip on how they are living.  As you talk about the danger the earth is in, be sure to complain to the host about the all the exhaust fumes outside of the conference center.  Which should remind you; pick up your Blackberry, and dial up your driver.  Tell him you want the Limo idling and warm when you leave.