The Senate has just passed its version of the Health Care Reform Bill. This would be the perfect moment for them to start work on the next most important legislation; Lobbying, PAC, and Campaign Finance Reform.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Yeah, but Pooper, shouldn’t we have tackled that before we attempted health care reform?”
Bingo! And why should we have done so? Because watching this health care reform process was like having all of your teeth pulled under the influence of a sensory enhancer, while being seduced by Greta the five hundred pound gorilla.
Headlines could have read like the following: Public option on! Public option off! Reform has enough votes! Reform Dead! Death Panels…oh noes!
The statistics for lobbying influence are staggering, but one statistic rises above all others: In the last year, over $870,000 was spent a day by lobbyists and special interest groups trying to influence AMERICAN health care reform. If the average health insurance premium was $12,000 per year for a family of four, 105,850 people could have received free health insurance for a year. Instead, insurers spent that money finding ways to prevent those people from ever receiving health care.
But don’t blame the insurers, or the lobbyists, or the special interest groups, or the PACs. It’s not their fault. Criminals will generally do whatever they can get away with. You see, your elected officials let them do this. In fact, they invite it, welcome it, and foam at the mouth at the mere mention of ending it. “That’s how business is done in Washington!”, they say.
So I wrote this letter to a few of our elected officials, to try and explain how real Americans feel about the way business is done in Washington.
Dear Senator Sellout,
It came to my attention today that you helped pass a health care reform bill for America. Congratulations! I hope you are able to sleep better this Christmas eve, as you brag to your constituents about how you helped enable needed reform. If you are a Republican, ignore that last. I know you have no problem sleeping with a guilty conscience. Sweet dreams, asshole.
I’d like to take this time to implore you to pass our next bit of badly needed reform; which, if you would allow me the honor of naming it, shall be called, “The American Act of Ending Congressional Corruption and the General Prostitution of its Members.” Subtitled, “End the Bendover”
If you would also please allow me to explain why Americans feels this is so necessary, I can sum it up in nine words: We think all of you are on the take. And it isn’t just a few of us who believe that. All of us think it. Do you get that? Do you even understand the difference between “a few” and “all”, you dumbass?
Before you send me that form letter via email, please take some time to think about an actual response. You see, Americans have been screaming at you for several decades to stop being whores. We’ve been trying to get your attention, but apparently, voting you out of office every six years isn’t getting the job done. So we’ve decided that some plain language is needed.
Senator, when are you going to stop bending over for Special Interests? Don’t you even realize that what you are allowing when you accept soft money or lobbying dollars looks like outright bribery? Wouldn’t it be better if all Americans had a reason to stop calling you a slut?
Which brings me to my next point. One hundred percent of Americans who actually don’t have a lobbying job, or aren’t a CEO or a Congressperson, or have a twenty million dollar check of their own to buy legislation want you to end this assfucking. It’s not fifty percent, it’s not fifty-one percent, or even sixty percent. It’s one hundred percent, as in, all the rest of us. So please, when drafting your response, do not use the excuse, “We are doing everything we can, but at this moment, public support for such change is softer than my pre-Viagra dick.” I can assure you, Mr. Elected Official, if there’s one thing Americans have a Stiffy for, it’s corruption.
Now, recently, we saw how the health care reform bill was affected by all of that special interest money. To which I can only ask, wouldn’t it have been easier to pass this bill without the mafia sending you offers you could not refuse? I understand that you only make $170,000 a year, and that a cushy lobbying job paying you easily twice that much is yours so long as you never enact needed reform, but seriously, Mr. Elected Official, could you at least try to make it look like you aren’t a crook? Would you please make one attempt, one pitifully small effort, at the very least, to introduce legislation ending the bending over?
You see, in the last three decades, you haven’t even tried. Oh, you talk about it every time you run for office, because hey! That’s what Americans want to hear! You kiss the babies, and recycle the same issues every two to six years. Pardon me, Mr. Senator, but I don’t want you kissing my daughter with the same lips that just sucked the cocks of the entire board of Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Could you at least disinfect them with Boric Acid? I realize that I am implying you are an insect when I suggest you use an insecticide to disinfect yourself, but really, cockroaches shouldn’t have feelings, and neither should cocksuckers.
So the general gist of my letter to you, Mr. Elected Official, is that we, real Americans, know what you are. You aren’t fooling us. We aren’t stupid, even though you treat us like we are. We call a spade a spade, and a cocksucking whore a cocksucking whore. What part of “End the corruption in Washington!!!!!” don’t you understand? Why do you insist upon making us call you names, like whore, cocksucker, crook, slut, traitor, bastard, liar, swindler, prostitute, butthole, buttfucking motherfucker, Nazi, Judas, Jesus-jumped-up-fuckstick, baby-kissing-antichrist, or just plain stupid? Why?
We want to love you! But you make it so goddamned hard! You make us want to lynch you, instead. Even using plain language, like “Goddammit! How could you take the side of the special interests who CAUSED our most recent recession” doesn’t seem to get your attention.
We want change. We want it now. All it takes is for you to get some balls, and stop relying on your sugar-daddies for your lovin’. We already pay for your health care insurance, as well as your salary AND your complete retirement pension. In exchange for that, you give us a continuous assraping that a Catholic Priest would be proud of.
And don’t tell me that Congress just won’t have the time to take up this type of reform for 2010, an election year. You had the time to pass legislation naming 2009 as the International Year of the Reef. Important legislation, I am sure, but I ask you…really?
What the fuck do you think we are? Stupid? You must, because you keep accepting bribes, and you never, ever even attempt to explain yourselves to the American people. Do you know what that’s called? Let me spell it for you.
As in, unconstitutional. Nine-tenths of you passed the bar exam; I am sure you understand what I-L-L-E-G-A-L means. And if you don’t, maybe we ought to revisit just how difficult we make the aforementioned bar exam. We like to think we send our best and our brightest to Washington. I guess it’s turning out we really only send our biggest idiots there.
Well, Mr. Elected Official, we are sick of it. We are tired of being told to bend over and take it up the ass while you fly away on your lobbyist-sponsored junket to the Bahamas. Trust me, they don’t want you there. And they don’t want you in Vegas, or Hawaii, or Iraq, or Mexico, or Vale, or anywhere else for that matter. What they want is you, in Washington, doing your fucking job without your lips around the cock of the nearest lobbyist. Do you get that? We want it finished! Do you need me to spell that, too?
N-O M-O-R-E C-O-C-K-S-U-C-K-I-N-G O-F L-O-B-B-Y-I-S-T-S B-Y O-U-R E-L-E-C-T-E-D O-F-F-I-C-I-A-L-S !!!
Besides, it’s unsanitary.
Mr. Elected Official, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to read this, but if you’ve gotten this far, you probably already know that you ought to be thanking me for not doing what I really wanted to do, which was to send you a gun with one bullet, and an attached note saying, “Do the right thing”. You see, I have a heart, too, plus, I couldn’t trust that you would understand that kind of note…I thought you might be tempted to use it on one of your staff instead. And don’t act all indignant because I just called you stupid. The evidence of your asininity is overwhelming; you haven’t understood what the American people have been telling you for decades. Need I say more?
Have a nice day.
Ps: The paper this letter was written on is ninety-two percent recycled. Just before putting it in my printer, I wiped my ass with it…just in case you were wondering what that wonderful “bouquet” was.