Posted by politicalpartypooper on January 21, 2010

Scott Brown won the open Massachusetts Senate seat on Tuesday, and we now know with certainty that the Mayan calendar isn’t lying.  You see, I’ve long suspected that the calendar ends not because the world does, but because the calendar merely recycles and starts over at the beginning, sort of like extreme Progressives screaming that we do the same with HCR.  Except in this instance, we know from history that when we start over, and bring the Republicans back into power, the only thing we recycle is gigantic giveaways to major corporations and special interests.

We’ve seen this game before.  The Republicans will run Congress for, oh, let’s say, eight years, and the only thing they’ll accomplish is to raise the budget deficit, and give special interests even more power than they have now, because that’s exactly what our God-fearing Founding Fathers meant when they wrote a Constitution that aimed to give no individual or group undue influence over the government OF the people, BY the people, and FOR the people.

So here’s how Health Care Reform goes if it doesn’t pass now:  First, Republicans, swearing by the Almighty God that they’ll enact sweeping health care reform if you will just elect them, win the majority back in the House and Senate.  Second, they never, even once, bring a health care reform bill to the floor.  After eight years, when Democrats are again on the precipice of winning a super-majority in both houses, Republicans start talking about health care reform in their campaign speeches.  “Ninety-six year old John McCain is heard to say, “My Health Care plan will include every American, and we’ll cut costs across the board and provide coverage even for the Middle Class, who needs to stop whining and work harder.”

After eight years of the extremely wealthy opening up the very narrow gap between what they earn and what the middle class earns (because no one could call earning one hundred times more than the average citizen a gap.), Banks and insurers, sensing a populist revolt, begin handing out huge nine figure bonuses, stepping away from their Republican-demanded pledge to keep bonuses to a maximum of eight figures.  Wall Street collapses on the news that the Exchange-Traded fund bubble is about to burst.  Millions of Americans, whose retirement programs have finally recouped what they lost in the Great Recession eight years earlier, yet again lose over sixty percent of their savings, marking the third time in fifteen years this rare phenomenon has occurred.  Banks-Too-Big-To-Fail go to Washington with hat in hand, demanding a huge government bailout, or the entire American economy will collapse, because we all know that banks grow all of the food, make all of the equipment necessary for life here on earth, and police the great streets of America, keeping all citizens safe. Indeed, if banks fail, the world fails, because without the Too-Big-To-Fail-Banks, everything on earth, including the earth’s rotation, stops, causing global warming on a scale heretofore unheard of.

Republicans call off their campaigns, rush back to Washington, and within two hours, pass legislation giving Banks-Too-Big-To-Fail a $3 trillion dollar bailout with no oversight whatsoever, right before the next election.  Banks-Too-Big-To-Fail immediately send mass emails to all of their employees telling them, “This year’s Bonuses are back on, and are bigger than ever!  We are proud to tell you that our President, Horace Grimehands, has earned a record-breaking bonus this year of $1 Billion. ”  The deficit goes from $2 trillion to $5 trillion, and thankfully, America’s banks are once again solvent, saving the entire universe from impending disaster. In the meantime, Social Security, on the verge of collapse, has been ignored by Republicans, making them the Deficit hawks we all know and love.

The Republicans have now been in power for eight years, and, thankfully, not a single job has been created in all that time, and the average American wage has been cut from $40,000 down to $35,000 while the mandatory work week has risen from forty to fifty-five hours without lunch breaks or overtime pay.  Fully thirty-five percent of all Americans are below the poverty line, causing many Republicans in Congress to shout in unison at these lazy Americans, “Get another freakin’ job, for Christ’s sake!”

Now, how’s that for fiscal conservatism?  Republicans really know how to squeeze every last penny out of Americans, making their brand of government the most efficient brand on earth.

The Mayan calendar doesn’t spell the end when it ends.  It merely starts all over again, just like American politics for the last sixty years.

Next year, be sure to vote Republican, and genuflect when you do.  This is holy ground.


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